Patrick’s 5 Funny Signs That Prove The World Has Gone Sports Mad

Representing a modern version of Roman Gladiator worship, some current sports fanatics clearly follow an athletic religion. Humor is always a good way to soften the blow of facts and thus our vignettes have been created to address the reality of this topic.

With tongue planted almost firmly in cheek, let’s look at five phenomena that our fictional friend Patrick recently experienced:

Five signs #5: Genuflecting off the field

Due to Aunt Tilly’s recent passing, Patrick’s brother appears aside of him at church for the first time since their cousin Ted was married nearly a decade ago. After asking why everyone is ‘Tebowing’ before they enter the pews, he listens to Patrick’s reply while star gazing at his Smartphone. Ted’s digital delight is fully linked to the point spread of various college football games that are vital to the $24 he might win in this week’s office pool.

Five signs #4: Eighty-five is always in style

Patrick’s uncle Larry is adorned in an Ochocinco jersey as he arrives at a Baptismal dinner, which is being held at the newest chain restaurant right off Route 10. Wearing a look on his unshaven face that seems to indicate that he believes everyone else is overdressed, he positions himself toward the end of connected tables in an obvious attempt to simultaneously view three HD screens.

Five signs #3: Getting your groove on right

Patrick happens to mention to one of his oldest and dearest pals that he and his family plan to spend a weekend afternoon attending their church youth group’s picnic. While there he receives a Tweet pic from Wendy which shows the picnic area of some professional baseball cathedral, along with a nineteen character remark about how he never knew how to party.

Five signs #2: Holy Klout

During his first-ever week in Rome, Patrick is eagerly awaiting the public audience with the Pope. The less-than-enthusiastic teenage friend, who his wife Amy said would make a wonderful traveling companion for junior, informs him that the Pontiff’s Klout score isn’t as high as that of New York Yankee’s shortstop Derek Jeter.

Five signs #1: Thank you sir

 After driving to a corporate job that he has repeatedly told himself must be part of God’s will for his life, Patrick swipes his identification badge at the entrance to the parking garage that allows his hybrid to pass through the pearled gates.

Walking across a crushed velvet carpet, his gaze is forced above Rockport level when he notices that his boss is standing outside of his office. Quickly wondering if Smith forwarded the email that he sent him about the Adams family nature of Mr. Jones partial family portrait, he swallows the fact that sensitivity training might soon be part of his year-end calendar.

After making forced small-talk with his co-workers along the way to buy time, he arrives at the middle office space to find that the ‘old man’ is actually holding two tickets. The poor man simply wants to take him to next week’s NBA basketball game, because apparently he remains convinced that Patrick is one of his go-to guys. Seeing that the contest begins at Noon on Christmas day, Patrick realizes that he will have to rearrange his schedule and attend Midnight Mass.

Just after our beleaguered hero relays the news to everyone at lunch, he notices more than a smirk on Smith’s face and begins to wonder if he was the one who told Jones that he liked hoops.

Sean Patrick O’Brien is a contributor to the Good Sports Blog. His professional writing career began in 1990, when he first began working in the Philadelphia Phillies farm system. He was a freelance sports writer for five years and is currently a Featured Contributor for Yahoo! Sports. You can follow him on Twitter @SeanyOB and read his daily Sports Blog: Insight.